cancer stuff

I can't sleep, so let me just go over some random stuff. Today, after the DMV, I went to Target to get some things and while I was there a woman walked (actually rode on an electric wheelchair) into the store soon after me and I noticed she had a bandanna covering her head. This woman was older than me, maybe my mother's age, but I still felt a kinship with her. I was this = close to approaching her and then ask, "what are you surviving?" But, I didn't. I still, to this day, can not believe that a year ago, I was in the same place as her. My last chemo treatment wasn't even a year ago. I have come so far, and I feel like I am running away from that past life of cancer. I guess I just want it behind me. I haven't been to any support group meetings, and I was supposed to have an appointment with my medical oncologist next week, but since I had trouble finding a sitter, I canceled it. Wait a minute, am I feeling guilty? For not attending a support group? My mother assures me that it would be good to go, but I really just, well I don't know exactly why I don't want to go. Because I have survived and feel guilty when people I know or don't know are still suffering through it? I feel awful when I hear updates on a lady at church that is not doing well at all, and I really thought she and I survived it together, but she got a new cancer, and I didn't. I forget to take my medicine sometimes, and then I will freak out at any kind of sickness I feel. I guess I'm terrified that it could come back anytime without me even realizing it, and then it will be too late and I'll get word from some doctor that I have x amount of time to live and there's nothing they can do.

Damn, I need to get some sleep, I get like this when I'm really tired.